The Ghosts of Old Jobs Past

I’ve been quiet this week. Not for want of something to write about, but more because I’ve been busy getting a lot of things done that didn’t get done last week when I was sick. Having the energy of a sloth and being self-employed is interesting; it makes for some not-so-positive self-talk. If anyone out there has advice on taking sick days when you work for yourself I’d be happy to hear it!

Finally this past Tuesday I woke up and was able to breath through my nose without medication. Oh glory!

Having a cold is just a simple thing for most people. Feel sick, lay down, drink soup, and get better. But not for Nadine. At least not for self-employed Nadine. No, it meant getting angry at myself for not working, trying to push through the yoga classes I was scheduled to teach, and then continuing to push in my social life and showing up for everything I said I’d show up for. On top of that, I over-analyzed everything I didn’t do. Aren’t I fun to be around?! Ha.

So I can’t just get a cold at this point. No. Not me. For some reason I feel the need to learn something from this cold.

But hey, I’ll take a life lesson when it comes my way. I’ll also give it a great big hug if it comes at the tail end of a cold without that burning sensation behind my eyes.

My lesson this week came as a result of having to slow down and, once I did, I started to recognize some old thought patterns and habits. To sum up my week, it went like this:

What am I doing?

How am I doing it?

What will I do next?

Phewf! A mouthful, right!

Big questions that I often demand the answers to, but this time I did something different once I put those questions out there. At first I fell into my old ways and let my head spin, wondering how in the world I’ll ever find my way in this leap year, and beyond. But then something incredible happened. I stopped. I took a breath. I took notice.

Slow down, Nadine. This is feeling familiar. 

And so I did. I took some time and allowed my mind to drift back to similar moments in my history. It was as if I was visited by the ghosts of old jobs past and as I let my mind wander I watched myself in each of my old roles – yes, every one of them. Why? Because even though they are completely different, the common denominator is me. The jobs were unique, but that girl cashing the cheque hasn’t changed. I can see her in that office/car/boardroom/meeting/etc. She is struggling to stay focused and searching for the Exit door.

This feeling isn’t something new for me. I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again; planning my escape route for no apparent reason.

Unfortunately the reason I do this I am still not quite sure of. And neither is my mother, my own personal guru, who listens and gives the best advice but makes you learn your own lessons (grrr).

Fortunately though, I’m open to learning them. The first step for me was stopping to take a breath. That was a big shift from my old self, who would have kept spinning her wheels and wasted an entire day googling how to be a veterinarian before realizing that she’s afraid of cats and probably couldn’t open a vet clinic and refuse to treat them. Sadly, I’m being honest. My old habits would have me thinking of a million other things I could do with my life besides what I was doing.

Does this mean I’ll stop looking for the Exit signs? Probably not, but at least this time I’ll wait before pushing on the door that has, in big red letters, ALARM written on it. I don’t need an escape route; the fire is all in my head. I need to stop letting fear and doubt stoke the flames and trust that the embers will die when I stop feeding them fuel.

Today, I am noticing old habits that didn’t serve me and I’m breaking them. Slowly.