Beginnings. Endings. Beginnings.

 

Where did August 21 come from? I understand the mechanics of the sun, the moon and calendar days, but seriously folks, the end of August? How did this happen so quickly?

My leap year. GULP. It’s nearly up. September 20th will be a full year. Less than a month to go.

When I began this year I never knew what to expect. Which sounds silly of course because at the beginning of anything we never know how the ending will go. But we brave the beginnings, don’t we. Marriage, a new job, a school program or signing up to run our first triathlon. The beginnings are always full of excitement, anticipation and nervousness. Everything sounds like a great idea at the beginning.

At the beginning of this year, when I quit my job and decided to teach yoga and finish my memoir, I was so full of hope. I was also scared shitless. I didn’t know how to be a yoga teacher and a writer, I just knew I needed to try. I trusted it would come and as the days turned into months it did come. And then as more days turned into more months it didn’t come. Yoga kept picking up, but writing kept dwindling. It was a rough go at times, but as the year draws to a close I can say it was probably meant to go that way.

I wanted to write my memoir until it came time to actually write it and re-write it and re-write it again. I wanted to continue to fight against what was happening but around mid-year I lost the energy for the battle.

I put it down. My plate was getting heavy and I knew something had to go. My memoir slide off the edge like a terrible side dish, except it was supposed to be the meat and not even the dog would eat it. It was a brutal moment, but a necessary one as well.

I had to make space, and I knew I needed to let that ending be another beginning. Again I was excited, but again I was scared shitless.

Fuck, I told the world I was working on a memoir.

The thing about endings that’s hard to remember when you’re there is that they are also beginnings. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they are a relief, and sometimes we have to eat our words. But every time something ends something new can begin.

It isn’t about getting what we want. It isn’t about success with every try. It’s about being brave enough to trust a new beginning. It’s about opening our eyes past what we wanted to see so that we look and take in the view that is actually there.

My leap year may be coming to a close, but I’ll leap again. And again and again.